Rent Free

A plunge pool of tears fills my sink,
I drown into my bed day after day
looking at the roof, recalling those calls, of the voice I thought that once was mine.

Weeks go by and they turn into months
the loudest thought become my closest friend
I would sit and stare at flowers, food, arguments, deaths, books, and pens
yet see no difference.
but still I smiled and laughed to hide the feelings that were flowing alongside my blood.

So I turned to my religion,
the voices that once deafened, became my comfort,
I greeted an old friend, the piano,
Singing “help of the helpless”, for life to go on.

I thought I was the strongest, I thought I was resilient, and I held myself to the highest standards,
But my heart broke from the love I gave unconditionally.

I changed my definitions and my definitions have now changed me,
I came to realize that strength is not about standing still in times of trouble, it’s about climbing knowing that you’ll fall and climbing again.

Months go by and I still see that face,
I still haven’t stopped thinking and sinking so now he stays in me rent-free
but I still climb, climb a mighty Yosemite knowing that I’ll slip but reach the top to see the best view.
And I meet new faces, and attain new comfort
but I still go back to before the end.

A part of me still dwells on unanswered questions,
and another wants to know how he’s doing
while greeting the unresolved anger crippling in my mind ever so weakly as the streets decorated with flags dyed in red that I passed unnoticed.

Five months passed,
And now I’m left to accept the pill of reality to swallow with no water,
which was prescribed to let me come face to face with the fact that
I shouldn’t look back in anger,
even when all is lost and I have to stand by myself,
I will still care for him from a distance too far but close enough
to stay rent free in me.

– Rtr. Shihara Ferdinando

Source link: https://ferdinandonatalie.medium.com/rent-free-e72f37eec363