Desiderium of the Broken Heart

Love doesn’t always lead to happiness. Sometimes, you realise that you’re the only person making the effort, you realise that you’re only being a bother. The giddy excitement you felt in yourself at the slightest bit of attention, the smile that lifted the corners of your lips, the gleam that made your eyes sparkle- you don’t get them anymore. All that effort, that energy, that time you wasted, all the nights you spent dreaming… hoping…they were all in vain.

You realise how emotional you are; and how fragile the heart of a human being is. You think about what led to this- were all those hours of words carved with love not enough? Were all the hugs and warmth that you shared not enough?

What made the person you felt so close to, be so far away? Why could you never overcome this distance? Who changed? Was it you? Is this your fault?

You feel embarrassed. You are angry at yourself for how you were so enamoured, for how stupid you were. You cry day and night, your eyes, now almost permanently red, shedding salty tears. You cry till your eyes are dry and you can no longer cry. All of your anger, hatred, humiliation, frustration, and even…love, they never leave your body no matter how much you try.

And you try hard. You trample on your beating heart, squeezing the blood out of your arteries, suffocating your breath. You are a bag of skin, with cracked bones and crumpled organs. You breathe without air. You survive. Yet, the feelings remain.

They are insistent and refuse to leave, screaming at the unjust present. Especially that stubborn little part of yourself that still dreams with hope, fuelled by your love and memories.

-Rtr. Vibhavee Sarathchandra