Blame!? Him, Her or Him? – Part II

: An extract from a burnt letter.

The thought that you are alone, even without a mother, an innocent boy struggling to stand up on his own with a BIG Zero in life killed me every time. I don’t know how to explain the feelings I had all the time. He was with me in every step I took. He took me all around the city and got out the coward inside my alone, guilty self. I lived every single moment with him, getting burned inside. We were looking at the purple skies that create art all over the sky and how the mood stealthily enters to the sky in that twilight, which is the time you should never be alone outside, as our village people said. Things went smoothly at the university afterwards, and just when we started to do the jobs, we married. I didn’t want to see you, I really was aware of the betrayal you must have been feeling. From one random day ahead, we never talked. Yes, I never answered! I’m dying from this guilt every single day. I am being loved by him, sometimes more than I wanted. A couple of days ago, I had my delivery. It is a girl. I was guilty in that moment as well, which the happiest moment of a mother’s life. She is just like the way you were dreaming of! A cute, chubby little princess. Everything happens the exact way we planned a few years ago! Only you are not HERE. My deep-down silence was broken when my little girl came into this world. I don’t know whether to ask forgiveness, blame you, or thank him. I was pissed off by you every time I wanted to spend time with you. At least an everyday ‘How ya doin?’ message!? I’M SORRY I couldn’t be with you as I promised. I’M ANGRY that you made my life complex, and you took away the person I loved the most in the world, and are still counting. I’m being loved and cared, I might not be happy, but I am living the life I wished for. I couldn’t hold it anymore, past years can not be written in just a few words. At least do this favour for me! I asked you to be with me, but you never wanted to work on it. I know you had your own reasons and failings, but I didn’t KNOW what to do then. See me and the little girl once. ONE last time, see me, our flight is in three days from today. This might be our last for this lifetim…[BURNT]

– Rtr. Hasanki Nimthara