Title: An Extract from a Diary

Title: An Extract from a Diary


I love to see people in love. Yet, I wonder if it’s safer to unlove. My cheeks don’t form any dimple when I smile. Nothing looks good on me. I don’t have doe eyes either. Not pretty. Definitely unlovable. All I’ve got is betrayal. The only compliment I get is ‘ why are you so pessimistic ‘. Is that even a compliment?. I haven’t achieved anything in my life that could make my mother happy. I’m the useless and the worthless. How am I supposed to love myself when I can’t even define who I am? They say that the strongest form of love is self-love, yet is it possible to love yourself when you don’t even know what love is? Is this so-called love real? The romantic novels, movies and literature don’t help me at all in this case. I’m a hopeless romantic. I wonder if I’m really romantic because my resting-poker- face does no justice for the viewer. Why do I even exist? No one doesn’t even know my favourite colour. To be honest, I love every colour. What about my favourite month? Not July though. I crave for something that’s non-existent I guess. Is it love? I’m being paradoxical right! That’s the other compliment I get. The rigorous anxiety in me would never grant me peaceful mind. How can I hope for the arrival of a soulmate if I don’t believe in a happy-ending. Are endings happy, I wonder again. Nothing in my life ended happily. The only happy ending is going to be my death. I’m not suicidal either. Dear diary, I apologise for feeding you with bullshit. It’s not like I’ve never being loved, it’s just my fault to not feel it. I, myself can’t help my ownself. I rarely open up. I prefer silence. I have severe trust issues. Well, what do you expect? I overthink. Is it a disease? Do I even make sense? Hmm, love doesn’t make sense either, it’s just a commitment on behalf of a chemical reaction. No offence though. Despite being an introvert, I never felt included. My presence was not acknowledged. I’m not complaining. Am I being desperate for nothing? I need therapy for which I would not be able to afford. Am I really that pessimistic? Please say yes, at least it helps me survive. What am I even writing? I better go to bed and stay awake all night. It’s going to be a hectic day tomorrow.

With feelings you cry;
Without them you die.
Could love ever be a curse?
I wonder if it’s safer to unlove.

Shut down your brain and go to sleep little girl. OK. Again!

I love you diary. Good night.

Rtr. Zainab Musthaq

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Being pessimistic sometimes is ok dude……it doesn’t matter. Yet if you say you haven’t make your mom happy, trust me bro…….you made her happy in each step you are heading towards success. You will be her loving daughter for eternity….n still you are…N I really love that part “love doesn’t make sense, it’s just a commitment on behalf of chemical reaction” loved it….And your write up…..as always just fabulous n emotional…..Great job Stevens♥️♥️

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